There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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