i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
