If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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