fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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