I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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