whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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