The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
