my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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