On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Oh god it's open bar.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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