I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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