She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
