I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
