Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
