did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
