I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
