Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Randomize
