I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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