1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
