Your tits are I can't wait for
wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
