can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
