eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
i came on her dog
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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