Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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