got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
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