I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
He shit in the fireplace
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
