and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
my god I love twenty year old dicks
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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