new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
