You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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