Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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