I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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