so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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