ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Randomize
