What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
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