My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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