I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Randomize
