nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Randomize
