I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
