She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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