you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
