i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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