I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
