from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Randomize
