I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
