alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
