Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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