I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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