i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
