you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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