If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
