Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
