im drinking this country out of the recession.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
