seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
